This Primer is for individuals who are new to the Fetlife Community of [X].
The purpose of this document is to help with the process of getting involved with the community and ensuring a good time for all.
Before getting started; finish up your profile.
Be Honest about what you are looking for.
Be Reluctant to Reveal too much about yourself.
Some advice: Men, join the group Return to Sender and try not to be that which you read about. Learn the lessons your predecessors have learned. Do not become the next entry.
Ladies, you will receive a lot of unsolicited messages of varying vulgarity. This is normal, unfortunately. Do not be alarmed. It is not acceptable, but also unstoppable. Consider these messages eligible for posting on Return To Sender Group for good laughs.
Join your local groups and participate in the discussions. Introduce yourself and look for a Munch to attend.
A Munch is a meeting, usually held at a restaurant, for those that share the interest in BDSM. It is a safe neutral place perfect for meeting new people, potential partners, and getting involved.
Red Flag! If you meet somebody online and they refuse to meet you at a Munch, I recommend inquiring about them with others in the community.
Protip! Munches are not fetish events and are to be treated as if children are present. Or; don’t flaunt your kink in public while with company. It’s only good manners.
On Predators, Rapists, and Drama. Oh my!
It is an unfortunate sad fact these things are real and not going away.
Education is the strongest weapon and defense against these abstract ideas. This message is not meant for only the newbie female submissives. It is a sad fact that those who are predators, Rapists, and perpetuators of drama often do not realize their terrible nature.
Arm yourself with knowledge and remember that a shared interest in BDSM does not constitute a shortcut to an intimate relationship.
Some survival tips:
- Get involved
- Speak up (Introduce Yourself)
- Make friends
- Don’t buy the hype of anybody (Ask Questions!)
- Negotiate (Like a Boss)
- No is never the wrong answer.
- Trust your gut.
- Don’t be afraid to ask others about potential partners.
- Don’t take sides in an argument.
It is exceptionally difficult to address predators, rapists, and drama in the community directly. Calling out a predator has historically only caused drama. We live in a culture of rape, so we are regrettably inclined to ignore rape when it happens, place the burden of proving rape on the traumatized victim, or worse. Yes, this is wrong and I urge everybody to change this modus operandi, but that is the type of behavior that can be assumed to happen when rape is called.
Does this mean there is nothing to be done if the unthinkable happens? No. Tell the leaders if they aren’t the aggressors. Good leaders will do their best to resolve the situation. (Banning works)
Break ups: in an ideal world, when a relationship breaks down, those involved are able to go their separate ways and be civil to each other if they encounter each other each other in public. There are no rumor mongering and no attempts to subvert or sabotage the other’s reputation in the community.
That’s an ideal world.
We, in the community, can only ask that those going through a break up do so privately and calmly, leaving us out of your personal drama.
Some final words, joining the Fetlife community is a fabulous way to meet new friends, have new experiences, and generally have fun. Don’t be afraid to try new things, just be careful in who you trust.